WWE, Memento, and Food.

Note: I wrote this a few years back for a pro wrestling website. It was considered arguably the greatest story in the history of pro wrestling websites. Apparently, things have changed since then. The WWF is now the WWE, Kane no longer wears a mask, and Mideon is no longer the unstoppable force he once was. If you were a wrestling fan back in 2002, you will love this story - guaranteed. In fact, even if you can't stand pro wrestling, I think it is good enough as a Memento tribute that you will appreciate it. With no further "Apu"...

Kane stands in the middle of an empty ring. He is shaking a Polaroid picture. The image is clearly the Undertaker’s limp, burned body amidst the wreckage of a blackened table. As he shakes the photo, it fades to white, then hops back into the camera that has leaped into his hands. He places the camera in his pocket, then holds his hand outside the ring. In a split second, the pieces of a smashed table on the concrete floor join back together, catching on fire. The Undertaker, regaining consciousness, flies up into Kane’s hand. As Kane’s hand withdraws from UT’s throat, Taker yells "NO!"

********************************************************************

The Undertaker drinks in the adoring cheers of the fans. After allowing a five-minute ovation, he raises the mic to his mouth, and addresses the camera. "Kane," he says. "Your troubles are over. Now I can retire, and Sara and I can devote all our time to taking care of you. Come out to the ring, and celebrate with me, my brother."

The already hot crowd gets even more excited as they see Kane appear in the doorway. He has been acting so strangely lately, but to see him come out like this to support his brother draws one of the biggest pops in history from the audience. They pause as he stops in front of the table…then explode in cheers again when he LIGHTS IT ON FIRE!

The Big Red Machine enters the ring. His brother hands him the title to admire, and they embrace. The crowd goes wild, but is stunned into silence at what happens next.

Kane whispers to his brother, "You’re finally going to pay for what you did, you @#$%^!." He strikes him in the face with the WWF title, then motions for the chokeslam. Undertaker yells, "NO!" as Kane lifts him high above the ring, then drops him to his death through the flaming table.

***********************************************************************

Kane sits his dressing room without a shirt on. His body is scarred…not with burns, but with self-inflicted tattoos. He looks over the facts on his right arm.

FACT 1: Professional wrestler. FACT 2: Refers to being the big dog who runs the yard. FACT 3: Wears a shirt that says "Deadman Inc."

Kane throws open a folder and begins frantically looking through pictures. He finally finds the one he is looking for. A tall man with long hair and many tattoos stands in front of a motorcycle. His brother? At the bottom of the Polaroid, Kane has written, "The Undertaker." He turns the picture over to see what he has written on the other side.

"Don’t believe his lies."

And under that…

"He is the one. Chokeslam him through a flaming table."

As he puts his red outfit back on, something catches his attention on the TV screen. The Undertaker stands in the middle of the ring. The WWF title lays across his shoulder, and a microphone is in his hands. "Kane," he says. "Your troubles are over. Now I can retire, and Sara and I can devote all our time to taking care of you. Come out to the ring and celebrate with me, my brother.

******************************************************************

Stone Cold Steve Austin slams Undertaker’s head into the ring post repeatedly, then hops out of the ring to set up a table on the concrete floor. When he gets back in the ring, he kicks Taker in the gut. The crowd boos as he grins maliciously at them. They know with this stunner, Mark Calloway has lost his last WWF match, and will never again be known as a champion.

Suddenly, UT reverses the stunner! He has Austin under his legs for the last ride! He connects! He covers! ONE TWO THREE chants the crowd, and The Undertaker is once again WWF champion! He won his retirement match and will go out on top! The fans rise to their feet for a standing ovation. Austin crawls out of the arena, humiliated. Undertaker throws the championship strap over his shoulder, and picks up the microphone, basking in the cheers of the crowd.

In the midst of all the excitement, Kane sits in his dressing room without a shirt on. His body is scarred not with burns, but with self-inflicted tattoos.

********************************************************************

We see Kane with his back turned, reading something on his arm. He picks up the picture of the tall man with long hair standing in front of a motorcycle. "The Undertaker," states the picture. He flips the photo over to see what he has written on the back. "Don’t believe his lies."

Kane picks up a pen and adds to that, "He is the one. Chokeslam him through a flaming table.

As Kane puts the picture back in his folder, the glass breaks in the arena…and out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin! The Undertaker waits anxiously for his arrival, his fists cocked. Austin, however, ducks Taker’s punch, and throws a furious flurry of fists himself. He dazes the Dead Man, punching him up against the ropes long enough to stomp a mudhole in him…AND walk it dry. The fans boo vociferously, as UT doesn’t seem to stand a chance. He mounts no offense whatsoever…and then the Rattlesnake takes the beating to the next level.

**********************************************************************

We see a close up of Kurt Angle’s face. He looks very concerned for the mental well being of his fellow WWF superstar.

"It’s true," he states, "Everyone knows it’s true."

Kane mutters a thank you as he scribbles down the note and rushes to his locker room. Once inside, he turns on the monitor showing the in-ring action. He compares the man standing in the center of the ring with the man in the picture.

A chill shoots down his Big Red spine. He has to be sure. He slowly removes the top half of his outfit and turns his back to the camera to look in the mirror.

Kane picks up a pen and adds to that, "He is the one. Chokeslam him through a flaming table.

********************************************************************

The fans explode as they see the motorcycle appear at the top of the ramp. Undertaker rides down, hops in the ring, and lifts both hands high above his head.

Kane squints as he reads his brother’s T-shirt on the monitor. Suddenly, he darts into the hall, nearly knocking over Kurt Angle.

"Kurt!" he shouts, with a voice as clear as the cloudless sky, "What does my brother’s T-shirt say?"

Angle looks perplexed. "Uh, that would be ‘Deadman, Inc.’, big guy. Do you need some water or something? Maybe take a few weeks off?"

Kane responds by gripping his American flag jacket. "Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that my brother, the Undertaker, wears a T-shirt that says "Deadman, Inc.?"

We see a close up of Kurt Angle’s face. He looks very concerned for the mental well being of his fellow WWF superstar.

"It’s true," he states, "Everyone knows it’s true."

******************************************************************

Meanwhile, in the arena, Howard Finkel is out to introduce the main event. The Undertaker, who will retire win or lose, is to challenge Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF title. These men have a long history between them, and it has truly shaped up to be a classic face vs. heel matchup with everything riding on it.

Jim Ross comments on how this moment is over 10 years in the making. The storied career of the phenom, the Undertaker, will finally come to an end on this episode of RAW. But will he go out on top? The tens of thousands in attendance certainly hope so. So does his special BBQ sauce.

The fans explode as they see the motorcycle appear at the top of the ramp. Undertaker rides down, hops in the ring, and lifts both hands high above his head.

****************************************************************

"She will use you to do dirty deeds."

Kane peels back his sleeve and looks at his arm. He doesn’t know about any big dogs, but this man lying helpless on the ground clearly is not wearing a T-shirt reading "Deadman Inc."

Furious, he storms down the hallway looking for the dressing room bearing her name. He finds it, and kicks the door down. There she stands, her left eye swollen shut…but not without a certain beauty about her.

"Stephanie, right? I’m sure we’ve met. Mind telling me what THIS is all about?

She stifles a laugh as she grabs the picture of Jericho’s scorched face from his hands.

"It’s all about revenge. You should know that better than anybody, Kane baby."

Stephanie pulled him close for a long, vampiresque kiss.

"Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go to the arena to witness the main event. I hear your brother has a few things to say about it."

Before exiting, she turns on the monitor in the room. Kane witnesses the Undertaker’s pre-match interview. The last thing he states…is that he IS the big dog that runs the yard.

*********************************************************************

When Kane regained consciousness, he noticed a man with long blond hair laying face down on the ground.

He heard the man mumble and turn over. His face was badly burned. Kane had a bad feeling, like he had hurt the wrong guy. He checked his arm to confirm his worst fears.

The young man kept saying, "I’m sorry about the coffee, I’m sorry about the coffee." Kane paid little attention. He was frantically looking through his folder of information. He found what he was looking for.

The back of the photo labeled "Jericho" clearly states "Make him pay"…but it is not the handwriting of the Big Red Machine!

Kane wonders who could have used him to do such a dirty deed. Since the handwriting is clearly feminine, he grabs the one Polaroid featuring a female.

"Stephanie" reads the front. Kane flips the picture around, then smacks his forehead in disgust as he reads the back.

"She will use you to do dirty deeds."

*****************************************************************

Chris Jericho sits in his locker room reading a hockey magazine when he hears the door to his locker room get kicked in. He looks up to see an angry Big Red Machine standing there, with murder in his eyes.

"Did you forget how to knock again, Junior?" he cockily asked.

But Y2J’s sarcasm turned to genuine terror when Kane lit a chair on fire and smacked him in the head repeatedly with it.

When he finished the assault, he pulled out his camera, and took the snapshot of Jericho lying there, bruised and burned. Kane suddenly felt dizzy, so he had to sit down and close his eyes for a second.

When Kane regained consciousness, he noticed a man with long blond hair laying face down on the ground.

******************************************************************

Stephanie bursts into the dressing room. Her left eye is swollen beyond belief.

"Who did this to you?" demands Kane.

"Who do you think," whines Steph, "That cocky Chris Jericho!"

"Show me his picture and where to find him!"

"You already have his picture," replied a suddenly composed Stephanie, "And you can find him in dressing room 215…I’ll write it on the picture for you."

She reaches into his folder and pulls out the photo labeled "Jericho." She crosses something off on the back of the Polaroid shot, then writes something else in. Kane grabs the picture and runs out the door.

********************************************************************

"You’re just a big red retard!" yells Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. "A big, oafish, retarded, red, big, stupid, retarded retard!"

SMACK! Kane’s right fist introduces itself to her lovely left eye.

After taking a few seconds to recover from the blow, Stephanie laughs in his face. "Why don’t you find a pen to write down what just happened, retard?" She steps out of the locker room. Even as Kane can see her eye starting to swell, he struggles to remember what has just transpired.

It is too late. Another memory has gone.

Stephanie bursts into the dressing room. Her left eye is swollen beyond belief.

"Who did this to you?" demands Kane.

"Who do you think," whines Steph, "That cocky Chris Jericho!"

********************************************************************

"Are you a professional wrestler?" asks The Big Red Machine.

"That’s the rumor, junior," responds Y2J.

"Would you mind if I took your picture? I’m trying to find out who committed a horrible crime, and I know the man who did it is a professional wrestler. If I have a friend on the inside, it would make it much easier…if you are in fact my friend."

"You already took one," replies Chris Jericho, "But if we are friends, I don’t want to spoil that…so don’t ever ask me to get you any coffee!"

"What were you doing before I got here?" inquires Kane.

"Man, you really weren’t lying about that condition of yours. Don’t you remember? For the last 10 minutes, I’ve been calling Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley a slut in as many clever, lowbrow ways as I possibly can. Much to your delight…and the delight of our viewing audience, I might add. Do you even remember taking her picture?"

Kane shoots him an annoyed glance as he goes through his folder.

"Oh yeah," continues Jericho, "You can’t remember anything that happened more than a few minutes ago…that’s why you’re always writing notes and tattooing yourself with white-hot ink."

"I told you all that?" Kane wonders aloud, "I guess you are to be trusted."

"You said I was funny, and that you have always trusted funny people."

Kane turns over the "Jericho" picture. "Funny and to be trusted," it reads.

"In that case, what should I write on the back of this picture that says, "Stephanie?"

Jericho thinks for a second, grins wickedly, and confidently states, "She will use you to do dirty deeds."

Kane realizes with horror that he has misplaced his pen. Chris kindly provides one, taking it back when the Big Red Machine has finished writing exactly what he has wanted him to.

Jericho leaves…and Stephanie waits exactly 3 minutes to come out of her hiding spot. She enters the dressing room, knowing she will have her revenge on Y2J once and for all.

She has listened to the entire conversation…deducing that this man does in fact have this condition that can be easily manipulated to her advantage.

"You don’t remember me, do you?" she asks a bewildered Kane.

He can’t place her…but knows she is familiar.

"You’re too stupid to remember anything!" she shouts.

"Shut up!" screams Kane. "Part of me doesn’t want to hit a woman, but in this WWF atmosphere, I’m encouraged to act out my most violent fantasies! If you continue to belittle me, I shall belt you!"

"Good," thinks the princess of the WWF.

You’re just a big red retard!" yells Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. "A big, oafish, retarded, red, big, stupid, retarded retard!"

***********************************************************************

"So you see," declared Kane, "I have to find the man who did this."

Jericho thought to himself. A man who couldn’t remember anything beyond a few minutes ago could be of great use to him in his ongoing power struggle with Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley…who happened to walk around the corner at that exact moment. Kane quickly snapped a picture of her…and labeled it "Stephanie," because that’s what her necklace said.

"Hey Steph!" yelled Y2J. "I heard you’re moving to Asia. HO Chi Minh City!"

Kane frowned. He didn’t like when men talked to women like that. On the other hand, this was the WWF.

Suddenly, coffee flew through the air and hit Kane in the face, rendering him unconscious. Jericho had ducked just in time. Petrified of the monster, Stephanie ran around the corner.

Y2J smiled to himself. He knew his year as a master forger with the Canadian government would come in handy. Turning over the picture with his face on it, he skillfully wrote in Kane’s handwriting, "Funny and to be trusted."

Three minutes later, Kane came to. He noticed a man with long blond hair standing in front of him.

"Are you a professional wrestler?" asks The Big Red Machine.

"That’s the rumor, junior," responds Y2J.

*********************************************************************

Kane woke up. He demanded that his wife make him some coffee. Then he felt a sharp pain in his chest. He looked down to see a tattoo.

"A MAN MURDERED YOUR WIFE."

He wisely decided that coffee was out of the question.

His only purpose in life now was to find the man who committed this horrible deed and make him pay by chokeslamming him through a flaming table to his death. And he would do it that night on RAW IS WAR in front of thousands of screaming fans.

He looked down at the ink that was permanently embedded in his arm.

FACT 1: Professional wrestler. FACT 2: Refers to being the big dog who runs the yard.

Kane didn’t think this was enough to go on. He also knew that whatever clues were still in the room, he had to see right now, before he forgot anything. He saw the killer’s T-shirt, still on the bed. He grabbed his closest heroin needle, filled it with ink, and added on his wrist:

FACT 3: Wears a shirt that says "Deadman Inc."

Just then, a knock at his door startled him into dropping the needle. He ran to the door, and opened it to see his brother standing there.

"You’re not doing heroin again, are you?" asked the Undertaker.

Kane responded by picking up his camera and taking a picture of him.

"I guess that’s a yes," laughed Taker, "You always did love those hard drugs, brother."

"What’s your name?" asked Kane as the picture came out. "And why are you wearing a leather jacket indoors instead of a T-shirt?

"My name is the Undertaker, and I wear the jacket because I’m hot."

Under the picture of his brother, Kane wrote, "The Undertaker." When he saw how sweaty he was, he flipped the photo over and added, "Don’t believe his lies."

"Big night," continued Taker, "I wrestle Austin for the title…and it’s my last match ever. Vince is paying me big money for my loyalty to him."

Kane just stared at him.

"Uh…about that heroin problem, brother. I think you should take a little retirement yourself. You can stay with Sara and I for a little while if you need to. Think about it."

Mark Calloway turned and walked into the hallway. The ever-insightful Chris Jericho was waiting outside the door to comment on how Vince was making him wear a jacket to sweat off those extra pounds even during his last day on the job. He knew how much this embarrassed the Taker.

As the Dead Man sprinted away in tears, Kane realized that if he didn’t tell somebody the whole story in the next few moments, he’d lose his will to live. He jumped into the hallway, and explained about the crime, his memory, his tattoos, and his quest for revenge to the first man he saw…Chris Jericho. He poured out his heart for about 2 minutes, stopping only to take a picture of Chris, label it, and place it in his folder.

"So you see," declared Kane, "I have to find the man who did this."

**********************************************************************

Kane woke up to see the silhouette of the tall man with long hair standing over the dead body of his wife. He heard the man claim to be the big dog that ran the yard…the "phenom" of professional wrestling. Kane could make out a few tattoos on the man as he ran out the back door. Kane struggled to his feet. Since he had sustained a heavy blow to the head, he realized he could not remember any longer than 3 minutes in the past. He quickly inserted ink into one of his heroin needles, heated it, and tattooed across his chest, "A MAN MURDERED YOUR WIFE."

Then, on his right arm (the one usually covered with a red sleeve), "FACT 1: Professional wrestler. FACT 2: Refers to being the big dog who runs the yard.

Then he passed out for a few minutes.

Kane woke up. He demanded that his wife make him some coffee. Then he felt a sharp pain in his chest. He looked down to see a tattoo.

"A MAN MURDERED YOUR WIFE."

**********************************************************

"You see," said Vincent K. McMahon to the tall man with long hair standing in front of him, "Ratings are down, as is motivation. Having a monopoly on the sports entertainment business is no walk in the park. The WCW invasion failed miserably. We need another groundbreaking episode of RAW, a ratings blockbuster. We’ve already scheduled the retirement/title match you’ve been requesting for so many months, but we need to take this show to the next level."

"I need you to murder Kane’s wife."

"On camera?" the man asked. "But Kane is like a brother to me!"

Vince looked at him long and hard, since he obviously didn’t understand about SCRIPTED ANGLES.

"It needs to be done," Mr. McMahon said slowly. "And don’t forget to hit him hard in the head so he loses his memory every 3 to 4 minutes throughout the course of the show. Let’s finish your career on a high note."

"Yes sir," replied the man wearing a Deadman, Inc. T-shirt.

Many people backstage wondered why they saw him slowly walk out of Vince’s office and into the dressing room that Kane slept in with his spouse. They wouldn’t know until later that he did, in fact, clock Kane in the head and proceed to murder his wife.

But Mideon had no choice. It was his favorite gimmick, you know…impersonating the Undertaker.

Kane woke up to see the silhouette of the tall man with long hair standing over the dead body of his wife.

~Uncle Scrooge

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