Total Recall

Remember when Pee-Wee woke up midway through his big adventure and commented to a gaggle of Texans, "I remember...the Alamo" - to a tremendous ovation from the people that were around?

That's like my life. Only replace "the Alamo" with "everything I've ever seen, heard, or read" and "a tremendous ovation" with "confusion and paranoia."

I literally remember every song, music video, show, book, movie, commercial, and conversation I've been exposed to from 1984 to now. I'm not exaggerating. Equally amazing is that my brother can almost match me memory for memory.

Commercials? I've gone to X-Entertainment.com and quoted the classic M&M and Bonkers commercials as they play on my computer screen.

Songs? See below.

Kevin Bacon game? I've done Shaq, Master P, Carrot Top, and MYSELF (I was an extra once with Ed Asner who was in JFK with KB) respectively, all in under a minute. I have had sober people literally flip out as they describe an obscure movie that they thought they imagined...and I tell them how it ends.

Movie quotes? I've had friends in a room full of witnesses call me up, quote a line, and wait for the explosive laughter that follows when I instantly "nail it." For example:

My phone rings on a nice summer evening. Keep in mind, I have no idea this call is coming. Also keep in mind that unlike many film enthusiasts, I do have a life. Rather than sitting at home practicing movie quotes, I am actually with other people occupied with whatever task I am currently doing.

Scrooge: Hello?

Friend: I blew a fart, and blew the whole darn thing apart.

Scrooge, without missing a beat: It's definitely a Police Academy...I'd have to say...number 4.

Room full of people: OH! HAHAHAHA! THAT'S CRAZY, YO! HAHAHAHA!

Friend: Late.

Scrooge: Late.

I remember not only every one of the 7 songs from my school's spring concert when I was in kindergarten (1985), but even the one song we didn't do from the program (because they were doing the same program from the year before and wanted a little variety. Crazy old Mr. Harman). Yes, I just said with complete honesty that I remember every word to a song that I heard a grand total of once...TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO.

Keep in mind, this photographic memory is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because:

Nothing makes someone feel special like an unexpected: "Hi, Rachel." Especially when she looks down and realizes she's NOT wearing a name tag, and I am, in fact, the tall-dark-handsome fellow she talked to for about 3 minutes a year ago and has dreamt about ever since.

In job interviews, it can literally make or break you. If they're interviewing 10 people who are similarly qualified (we all put just enough grease in the deep-fryer to make those chicken fries oh-so-sublime), they are going to hire the one who slips in a "by the way, how's the boat?" or "Did your son end up winning his baseball tournament?" or something that came up from the hirer's end during your initial interview.

A curse because:

It gets somewhat annoying "meeting" the same dude 6 times throughout 3.5 years of college. Here's a clip from the gym senior year, picking basketball teams:

Captain: I got this guy (points to me).

Scrooge: Cool, what's up, Nate?

Captain: Dude, how did you know my name?

Scrooge (sighs, thinks "here we go again"): We met at freshman orientation. Later that year, you asked for help getting the printer to work...and were shocked that I knew your name. Sophomore year, you sat behind me in Humanities discussion, and you signed me in every time I was late, like I asked. We double-dated those hot twin sisters during junior year, and we've been roommates for about 5 months now.

Captain: OH YEAH. Scroaj, right?

Obviously exaggerated, but if I had 12 million dollars for every time I "met" someone and it wasn't the first time, I'd be pretty financially comfortable by now.

The real curse, though, is remembering songs/movies/TV shows that everyone else in the world does not. I can think of few things that cause more frustration. For example, those with keen memories will recall one of the first of ABC's "TGIF" lineups (in order):

Full House, Mr. Belvedere, Perfect Strangers, Just the Ten of Us.

Any self-respecting internet smark can list the most popular incarnation:

Full House, Boy Meets World, Family Matters, Step by Step.

But when I mention that sometime around 1989-90, there was a short-lived replacement show called "Just A Little Bit Strange" about a magical Afro-American family, people respond with blank stares, confused glances, shouts of "Liar!", a container of hydrochloric acid to the face, etc.

I'd tell you to look it up, but I think that one would even be out of Google's frighteningly long-reaching tentacles of research.

Worse than that? Memories of long-forgotten radio hits. My billionaire brother and I heard a hot song in the summer of 1990. Not only did we remember the catchy chorus of "girl, girl girl girl, girl girl girl girl, girl girl girl..." - but I remembered the bridge word for word, with the exact beat ("Girl, why don't you just understand, why I've got to be your man, why don't you let yourself go, don't you know-oh-oh").

Oh yeah...nobody else in the universe recalled that such a song even existed. Calls to radio DJs, talks with friends who claimed to share our gift of recall, even trips to said internet search engine to type in every word of that lyric bridge in succession all ended in the same way.

"Musical expert": Fantasy Girl, by Jonny O?

Scrooge: A classic in its own right, but way off.

Another "musical expert": Summer Girl, by Dino?

Scrooge: Awesome song, I am now planning to download it as soon as I get a chance. To your credit, the remix of that song actually does include repeating the word "girl" several times in succession. But emphatically, no.

Yet another "musical expert": Oh, dude, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. Girl You Know it's True by Milli Vanilli! (Pats self on back).

Scrooge: You, my friend, are a waste of mitochrondria.

Until that fateful day. A day like any other "way back weekend" on 96.5, WTIC-FM. A day where Scrooge would call in to request any number of delights from the time where music hit its proverbial peak. Possibly on this fateful weekend it would be "Modern Love" by David Bowie. Perhaps "Jungle Love" by Tarzan Boy, or the greatest song in the history of the universe, "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama. Like every weekend, I would follow my request for musical gold with another attempt at re-discovering my musical holy grail. Ready for confusion, apologies, and, if they were really good at their job, the Dino answer.

Then it happened.

I don't remember the DJ's name (or the rest of that month, for that matter. I think my wife had a child somewhere in there) due to the fact that I was on cloud nine and would not be brought down by anything less than ultimate satisfaction. The man on the other end of the phone said the most poignant and insightful 17 words I have ever heard in succession:

"Oh yeah! That was um, Stevie B, or Timmy T, one of those early 90s dance hits."

After thanking him profusely, I drove to a friend's house that had the "internet" and typed in my maddening refrain NEXT to the name "Timmy T." INSTANT SUCCESS. I ordered it immediately from Amazon, and called none other than John Money.

Scrooge (normally cool as a cucumber, now unable to contain his excitement): Bro, I just had the most satisfying moment of my life.

Money: What was Luke Perry doing in Hartford?

Scrooge: No. Better.

Money: Um...you won the lottery?

Scrooge: Come on. You know if I won the lottery, I would be playing it cool and pretending it was nothing big. I'm shaking, for crying out loud!

Money (laughing): I don't know, tell me.

Scrooge: I......found......girl girl girl.

Money: NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scrooge: We're not crazy! It exists!

Literally, readers, satisfaction of this magnitude can only be compared to having this crazy itch for a decade and a half, and finally having Jamie King show up at your door with 4-inch fingernails and green apple scented calamine lotion.

So - in closing - if you catch me on AIM (bbunclescrooge) one of the 8 times a year I get online...feel free to test ye olde memory any way you see fit. You won't be disappointed.

~Uncle Scrooge

Back to: Other stuff