Other than Reviews

The other day, I saw a preview for Jurassic Park 3.  Captivating television.  Dr. Grant waxes poetic about how the dinosaurs are now super-intelligent. They set traps for humans, as well as communicate with each other.

And without seeing the movie, I realize that there are still going to be humans alive when the final credits roll. Chances are, the plot will have left room for yet another sequel.

So I began thinking about the possibilities for Jurassic Park 4. If they're this intelligent in part 3, imagine how brainy the prehistoric monsters will be by the time Dr. Grant and his expendable colleagues make their inevitable return to the island…

Dr. Grant: I think the raptor sees us in the distance. Don't...move...a muscle.

Generic blond woman: What's that red dot on your forehead?

Dr. Grant: You don't think...a scope?

Jeff Goldblum: Holy mother of pearl, the dinosaurs have automatic weapons!

Generic blond woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

They run out of the woods into a clearing.

Generic blond woman: That was a close one.

Dr. Grant: I don't know how we're going to get off this island alive. Even though we’ve done it 3 times already, this time is different. Not only are they bigger, stronger, and faster than us...they've got automatic weapons!

Generic blond woman: Wait, I see something in the sky!

Dr. Grant (with a "been there, done that condescending): Pterodactyl, I'm sure.

Generic blond woman: No...it's an Air Force plane! We're saved!

They begin motioning to the pilot to come rescue them.

Jeff Goldblum: Sweet potato pie, A PTERODACTYL IS FLYING THAT PLANE!

Missiles begin dropping on our protagonists. They run back into the woods to dodge the bombs...and cut straight into the path of a T-Rex!

Dr. Grant: Well, at least this one's unarmed. Which would have led to much suspense and fright in episodes 1-3, but seems pretty anticlimactic now, eh?

Generic blond woman: Yeah, I'm relieved. Even though he's still able to rip us to shreds with his huge teeth and claws, and is intelligent enough to communicate with his fellow dinosaurs...I'm really not scared at all. I have a feeling we’re all going to be A-OK.

For about 20 seconds, all are absolutely quiet. The humans begin to smile as they realize that it truly is not a very scary situation.

The T-Rex: That's what we like to call...a false sense of security!

Jeff Goldblum: Streisand almighty, THEY'RE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO SPEAK ENGLISH!

The T-Rex: As a matter of fact, we’re much more intelligent than you think. In fact, all this time we've been trying to kill and eat you...where has that gotten us? Nowhere! We think it's time to join forces and create a perfect utopia on this island...and eventually on the whole planet. If you want to see T-Rex work side by side with Dr. Grant on such projects as a cure for cancer, and truly effective education reform, give me a "H*LL YEAH!"

Movie-going public: H*LL YEAH!

The raptors throw down their guns and embrace the humans. A disco ball falls from the sky, and every living creature begins dancing together to the sweet sounds of Was Not Was' "Walk the Dinosaur."

~Uncle Scrooge