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Late Late Night with Carson Daly
(Scrooge's note: I think I'm getting soft in my old age. I actually dialed back some of the jokes because I know once Money's show drops this site will be huge, and I didn't want Carson Daly to read this article and get his feelings hurt. All comments along the lines of: "If anyone can tell me the point of Carson Daly’s talk show, you win a prize. Does anybody come home at 1:30 AM and go, 'man, I can’t wait to see a closet case with no charisma chat up a fourth-string St. Lunatic?'" have been removed in the name of compassion).
October 3
Announcer: "Welcome to The Late Late Show with Carson Daly!"
Carson: Well, it’s good to see everyone tonight.
(Camera pans back to reveal the studio audience is actually the 11 residents of the homeless shelter where the show is filmed. They sleep, or pick at themselves, or stare blankly as the mood hits them. Back to Carson, who pastes on his trademark fake grin and continues introducing his high-caliber program).
Carson: So…President Bush passed a bill today. Man, can’t this guy veto anything? Heh heh heh. (Sighs). Well, I guess you guys don’t play to "subversive." Let’s skip the monologue – because our first guest should be so fascinating, he’ll need all the time we can give him. From "Saving Private Ryan" – TOM HANKS…was on Leno tonight. It’s Leno’s loss, because, from the same blockbuster movie, the talented VIN DIESEL…appeared on Conan earlier. But hold onto your seats, because we have – SOLDIER #17 on my show tonight!
(Canned applause kicks in as Soldier #17 walks out. He looks at Daly’s hand, thinks better of shaking it, and sits down)
Carson: So…I understand you have a clip for us?
Soldier #17: Sure, go for it.
(A clip is rolled where a silhouette in the distance runs across screen for one second. It is slowed down and the figure is circled)
Carson: Okay, that was some fine acting. Can’t believe you haven’t worked since then.
Soldier #17: Yep.
Carson: Um…you ever meet Vin Diesel?
Soldier #17: Well, not as such, no. We weren’t allowed to get within 50 feet of any of the real actors.
Carson: Well, you’re in luck. I’m the guy who put the "m" back in "MTV."
Soldier #17: Um, music television? You basically introduced 10-second clips of music videos in between 60 minutes of you sucking up to random rappers nobody remembers and making cheesy jokes.
Band leader: Hey, where have I seen that before?
Drummer: (rimshot)
(Carson glares at the two hobos that comprise his band)
Carson: Actually, I meant metrosexual. And what I really meant is, unlike you…I HAVE met Vin Diesel. Roll the clip!
(Vin Diesel is walking onto the stage at the Conan O’Brien show. Carson Daly is in the back and yells, "I love you, Vin!" Diesel squints way up into the crowd and points at a woman a few rows in front of Carson, who swoons...as does Mr. Daly)
Carson (after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence): Anyway, our next guest is even more fascinating. As you know, commercials are hotter than ever – it’s become more and more acceptable for big stars to sell out all remaining dignity and hawk products for cash. And boy, do we have a star for you today. You know her as the voice of T-Mobile – CATHERINE ZETA-JONES…lit up the Tonight Show earlier. And yes, the face of Capital One, DAVID SPADE, brought the house down on Late Night. But here on Late Late Night (says this sarcastically, looking annoyed at the lameness of the title) we proudly present…the Go-gurt kid!
(Go-gurt kid comes out looking awestruck. He eagerly shakes Daly’s hand and sits down).
Carson: Welcome, kid…you look really happy to be here!
Kid: Can you introduce me to Lil’ Kim?
Carson: Well, once I left TRL, all actual celebrities got a restraining order against me.
Kid (immediately bored): Whatever.
Carson: Now, can you actually glurp the go-gurt?
Kid: Nope…all camera tricks (laughs). Kids all over the country making messes over that one.
Carson: Well, at least you're pretty good on a BMX bike.
Kid: Actually, those were all body doubles.
Carson: But...it is you squeezing the go-gurt in the commercial.
Kid: Nah, stunt hand.
Carson: What did you actually do?
Kid: Hey, what do you want me to say? I looked cute for about an hour, smiled blankly at the camera, and they gave me a check for $100!
Band leader: Hey, where have I seen that before?
Drummer: (rimshot)
(Carson looks at the camera sadly, blinking away tears and composing himself)
Carson: Okay, let’s bring out our musical guest. It’s a folk/pop/rock superstar that plays a mean guitar and can’t stop talking about how she used to live in her car! Not Jewel of course, she was on Craig Ferguson tonight! This is "Ruby!" And she actually lives in our studio/shelter!
(Ruby comes out, puts her guitar case down and begins to play "Please give me money." Carson digs into his wallet, nothing. The Go-gurt kid gives him a dollar. He throws it at Ruby and storms out of the studio).
October 4
Announcer: "Welcome to The Late Late Show with Soldier #17 from Saving Private Ryan. Because it makes about as much sense as Carson Daly!"
~Uncle Scrooge
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