10 Predictions for this season of LOST

10) Michael returns to the beach with a late 80s-style Philly-fade and "the numbers" shaved into the back of his head. He did not find the Others, but did discover a floating barbershop manned by Cedric the Entertainer, who has accompanied him back to camp. Hilarity ensues.

9) The islanders find out about Hurley's secret stash of food, but nobody cares. In fact, as morale drops, Hurley is actually commanded to GAIN weight. They do a lottery where some of the no-namers agree to starve in order that the survivors will have the most jovial fat guy possible.

8) The crazy French lady teaches everyone how to make "crazy French crepes." Deliciousness ensues.

7) In a flashback, we discover that Ana Lucia WAS actually married. Her husband's character is played by Ant from "Last Comic Standing." This explains the real reason why Ana Lucia threw a man in a pit with the intent of torturing him, as well as the constant scowl (Whenever Ant has appeared on television, millions of viewers' faces also carried a constant scowl as we entertained thoughts of throwing ourselvesf in a pit to be tortured - as that would be infinitely funnier and a better use of our time than listening to Ant's "comedy").

6) Just as Claire is about to remember what happened when she was kidnapped, Ethan returns from the dead to terrorize her. But then it turns out it's just Locke, having some "Weekend at Bernie's" style fun.

5) After months of catching fish for the group, Jin's ambition flares up again. He gets someone to hire him as "doorman" of their lean-to. He is promptly fired for allowing Vincent inside to urinate.

4) Sawyer rescues Walt from the Others. Hence, everyone likes Sawyer again. He can't handle the positive attention, so his next move is to slow-cook Walt rotisserie style over a fire...then proceeding to eat him in front of the group. Everyone gets mad at Sawyer again...for a few more episodes.

3) Sayid gets even angrier at the man he has apprehended when he gets a hold of a chalk-like rock and sketches absurd caricatures of the prophet Mohammed on the walls of the hatch.

2) Rose's husband proves he's not as useless as everyone thinks by figuring out not only how to get off the island, but how to end world hunger AND the meaning of life. Just as he's about to open his mouth and share the wisdom, Charlie shoots him 6 times in the chest. Charlie will shoot someone 6 times in the chest at least once every season. We don't find out why until season 5.

1) After that episode, Charlie's transformation into Anakin Skywalker becomes complete. He starts flying a jet fighter around, builds a crude lightsaber, and uses the Force to draw Aaron out of his crib and away from "danger." But really, it's all a hallucination. He's just running around and swinging a stick with a stolen baby in his arms.

~Uncle Scrooge

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