How To: Talk

It amazes me at how many adults incorrectly pronounce words. Though there are countless words that are mispronounced every day, I'll highlight some of the more common ones. Please, read this list over and over again and spend hours studying it. You will help make society better, or at least more understandable.

ChampionCHIP (a well spoken person's pronunciation of the word "Championship") - What is a championchip? Is it the top of the line chip of all chips? Usually young children will misuse this word and I'm pretty sure I did when I was a child as well. However, after I turned 6, I realized that there was no such word and I would sound like moron if I continued to use this non-word. How then can adults still make the mistake of saying championCHIP? I recently heard a NEWS ANCHOR mispronounce this word throughout an entire newscast. Not only are they supposed to know words at a post-kindergarden level, but THEIR JOB IS GETTING PAID TO PRONOUNCE WORDS CORRECTLY! Apparently whoever mispronounces this word did not learn much in school. Must have had been a bad student-teacher relationchip.

SupposeBLY (a well spoken person's pronunciation of the word "Supposedly") - Recent scientific studies prove that pronouncing supposedly as supposeBLY actually punctures the ear drums of anyone within hearing range. I guess I can see that when you posses extreme intelligence, it's easy to mispronounce this word because "B" rhymes with "D" and all. Yeah, "How are you Boing?" "Oh, I'm Boing good, you?" "How adoudt you just bon't open your mouth."

AKS (a well spoken person's pronuncniation of the word "Ask") - Since moving to Southern California, I have seldom heard this word mispronounced. I can see how it's easy to mix up two letters in a word to make something that sounds like a word into noise. Don't you know? From now on when someone poses the question "Can I AKS you something?" I will respond by saying "No" and then I will AX them. Right in the face.

NegoCEATIONS (a well spoken person's pronunciation of the word "Negotiations") - I cannot fathom how often I have heard this word mispronounced. What other word when you have "ti" together makes the sound of a "C"?! Your options are "ti" as in a word like "time" or "ti" in a word like "creation," yet I never hear people say "What cime is it?" or "I love God's Creacin." Yeah, I'll negoceate something, my fist in your face.

Vica Versa (a well spoken person's pronunciation of the phrase "Vice Versa") - What, is the plural of mouse pronounced mica? Not sure how you can confuse the "ce" in this word to sound like "sa" but then again I'm not sure how people mispronounce any of these words. "How would you like to pay for that, sir?" "Credit card." "Sure thing. Master card or Vica?"

RooVVs (a well spoken person's pronunciation of the word "Roofs") - I presume how anyone can mispronounce this word is because the word hoofs can be spelled hooves and is pronounced with a "V"...but that's because the letter V is actually in the word. Now that I write it all out in elaboration, no, I can't understand how anyone can mispronounce this word. If you do, you are clearly a Vool.

Real words that well spoken people use

Irregardless (a well spoken person's pronunciation/misconception of the word "Regardless") - Unfortunately this IS an actual word, though it is classified as (note:) informal and/or nonstandard. There is no logic to this word whatsoever. When pronounced it makes the speaker sound like he/she is stuttering. It's a double negative like saying "irreirrevocable." Irregardless of how well spoken you are, this pronunciation makes you sound mentally deficient.

Guesstimate (a well spoken person's way of saying "Estimate" or "Guess") - You have the word Guess and you have the word Estimate, so why not combine them and sound like a imbecile! The fact that Webster's dictionary has this listed makes me guesstimate that he was drunk the night he included this word in the dictionary. Though seldom used, this word can easily make you contemplate eating rat poison. Combining two words to sound even more like a fool is great. Am I going to restrain from physically harming anyone who uses the words on this page? Maybibly not.

ITCH a SCRATCH etc. (a well spoken person's way of saying "Scratch an Itch") - Now of course both Itch and Scratch are real words. However, when the two are switched, it not only sounds like you're as quick as molasses mentally, but as if you still haven't passed the 3rd grade. How does one itch a scratch? It's sometimes cute when a young child says "can you please itch my back" or "Itch it!" but when anyone over the age of 7 says it, quite frankly it's repulsive. So anytime you need an "Itch Scratched" just let me know and I'll itch you good, with my Machete.

Is it hot in here or What? Response: Or what! (a well spoken person's way of trying to be funny but in actuality being anything but funny and more so, not understanding the English language) - Now when someone poses the question such as "Is it hot in here or what?" they are obviously rhetorically stating that it is very hot. A well spoken person will usually answer with "or what!" trying to be funny. First off, what is "or what?" that's not even an answer! If someone asks "would you like an apple or an orange?" do you respond by saying "or an orange"? Of course not, well, since you're an idiot for answering "or what" then you probably would. Am I going to kill you or what? Not or what, I'm just going to kill you.

~John "The English Teacher" Money

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