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How To: Play Poker
I've been playing poker as long as I can remember. Before it was cool, a fad, or on TV, my grandfather was teaching me about antes, betting strategy, bluffing, and every other aspect of the game as we gambled with Cheerios. Fortunately for me I had an early start, but then again I'm sure I would've picked it up within minutes as a grown man. Unfortunately/Sadly, most people aren't as smart as me. Granted I love taking money from people that have no clue, but since you're paying me for your foolishness, I figured it was my duty to help you out.
If you don't know the rules, don't sit down to play.
I love it when someone thinks they won a hand of poker and excitedly shows their cards only to have me flip over my monster hand and destroy them. The person will usually exclaim "I have 2 pair!" You're absolutely right you do, but my 3 of a kind puts your 2 pair to shame. Shut your mouth.
Similar to the above predicament is when a pseudo player says the wrong hand they have. They have a straight but say they have a flush. They have a flush but say they have a full house. Bring a little cheat sheet of the rules and the rank of the hands. I win.
Once again, another thing that players will often boldly state is when no one has bet before them and it's their turn will sayl "raise." Oh yeah? What are you raising? Your level of stupidity? No one has placed a wager yet so the proper term is "bet." That's what it's called when you are the first one to put out money. You aren't raising anyone...and you aren't fooling anyone either. My 6 high beats you.
Know when it's your turn, and always plan ahead.
Whenever you hear or see the person to your right act (as in they bet, check, raise, or fold) IT'S YOUR TURN! There is only one time EVER it will be your turn first and the is when the dealer button is in front of the person to your right. EVERY OTHER TIME, when the person to your right acts, it is your turn. Don't wait for the dealer or other smarter players to inform you. Person to the right acts, then it's your turn.
This brings me to my next point, ALWAYS PLAN AHEAD. While the other people at the table that have no clue how to play are sitting there contemplating their decisions, that's when you figure out what you're going to do before it gets to you. That way you are ready to go, the process speeds up, and I can take your money quicker.
Know what cards you have.
Look at your cards and memorize them. As soon as you get your cards, memorize them and don't forget. I know it's easy to forget in 10 seconds because it's the only thing that's consuming your time at that point, but try it. That way you won't sit there like you have some twitching condition that makes you "peek" at your cards, and then peek again, and again and again. Your cards aren't changing buddy, whatever you were originally dealt is still there. I'll bet you on it...but double check your cards first. Then give me your money.
This is probably the worst and relates to a few combined things above. Don't wait until it gets to you to figure out what you're going to do. Nothing gets people more upset at the table (I couldn't care less, you're still going to pay me, but the less patient among us will want to kill you) than when you wait till it gets to you, then you peek at your cards, contemplate, peek again, contemplate, then wait for the dealer to tell you it's your turn, peek again, and then check anyway. KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO AND BE READY! You should know exactly when it's your turn and exactly what you're going to do long before the action is on you. Most people do this for sheer attention and I have some great advice for you. If you are in desperate need of that attention, ask the 'Floor-Man' for a pen, and then when it is your turn to act, take the pen and stab yourself in the eye. This will help out everyone at the table and you'll get the attention you need.
News Flash: THE SUN DOES NOT RESIDE INSIDE THE CASINO.
If you are playing poker inside a building, YOU DO NOT NEED SUNGLASSES to play. Not only is the sun in outer space, there are NO WINDOWS in the casino for the sun to even shine in! I'm sure you put sunscreen on when you go to the casino too, right? I wouldn't doubt it because there is no reason to wear shades inside a dim-lit room in the first place. It's somewhat understandable if you're one of the best players in the world playing against people who's livelihood is to read other people's body language and the stakes are millions of dollars. Then, and even then it's sketchy, but it's at least believable that you may think you need to conceal your "tells." You work a 9-5 in some bull crap office, aren't going to amount to anything in life and think because you saw a show on TV you're going to strike it rich playing $2 dollar poker games. Keep it up so I can give you 2 black eyes so you need to wear sunglasses.
Print this out, study it, and use it every time you play poker. You will help make the world a better place. That or just play online and wear your sunglasses while looking at the computer screen. You're a winner!
If you don't know the rules, don't sit down to play.
I love it when someone thinks they won a hand of poker and excitedly shows their cards only to have me flip over my monster hand and destroy them. The person will usually exclaim "I have 2 pair!" You're absolutely right you do, but my 3 of a kind puts your 2 pair to shame. Shut your mouth.
Similar to the above predicament is when a pseudo player says the wrong hand they have. They have a straight but say they have a flush. They have a flush but say they have a full house. Bring a little cheat sheet of the rules and the rank of the hands. I win.
Once again, another thing that players will often boldly state is when no one has bet before them and it's their turn will sayl "raise." Oh yeah? What are you raising? Your level of stupidity? No one has placed a wager yet so the proper term is "bet." That's what it's called when you are the first one to put out money. You aren't raising anyone...and you aren't fooling anyone either. My 6 high beats you.
Know when it's your turn, and always plan ahead.
Whenever you hear or see the person to your right act (as in they bet, check, raise, or fold) IT'S YOUR TURN! There is only one time EVER it will be your turn first and the is when the dealer button is in front of the person to your right. EVERY OTHER TIME, when the person to your right acts, it is your turn. Don't wait for the dealer or other smarter players to inform you. Person to the right acts, then it's your turn.
This brings me to my next point, ALWAYS PLAN AHEAD. While the other people at the table that have no clue how to play are sitting there contemplating their decisions, that's when you figure out what you're going to do before it gets to you. That way you are ready to go, the process speeds up, and I can take your money quicker.
Know what cards you have.
Look at your cards and memorize them. As soon as you get your cards, memorize them and don't forget. I know it's easy to forget in 10 seconds because it's the only thing that's consuming your time at that point, but try it. That way you won't sit there like you have some twitching condition that makes you "peek" at your cards, and then peek again, and again and again. Your cards aren't changing buddy, whatever you were originally dealt is still there. I'll bet you on it...but double check your cards first. Then give me your money.
This is probably the worst and relates to a few combined things above. Don't wait until it gets to you to figure out what you're going to do. Nothing gets people more upset at the table (I couldn't care less, you're still going to pay me, but the less patient among us will want to kill you) than when you wait till it gets to you, then you peek at your cards, contemplate, peek again, contemplate, then wait for the dealer to tell you it's your turn, peek again, and then check anyway. KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO AND BE READY! You should know exactly when it's your turn and exactly what you're going to do long before the action is on you. Most people do this for sheer attention and I have some great advice for you. If you are in desperate need of that attention, ask the 'Floor-Man' for a pen, and then when it is your turn to act, take the pen and stab yourself in the eye. This will help out everyone at the table and you'll get the attention you need.
News Flash: THE SUN DOES NOT RESIDE INSIDE THE CASINO.
If you are playing poker inside a building, YOU DO NOT NEED SUNGLASSES to play. Not only is the sun in outer space, there are NO WINDOWS in the casino for the sun to even shine in! I'm sure you put sunscreen on when you go to the casino too, right? I wouldn't doubt it because there is no reason to wear shades inside a dim-lit room in the first place. It's somewhat understandable if you're one of the best players in the world playing against people who's livelihood is to read other people's body language and the stakes are millions of dollars. Then, and even then it's sketchy, but it's at least believable that you may think you need to conceal your "tells." You work a 9-5 in some bull crap office, aren't going to amount to anything in life and think because you saw a show on TV you're going to strike it rich playing $2 dollar poker games. Keep it up so I can give you 2 black eyes so you need to wear sunglasses.
Print this out, study it, and use it every time you play poker. You will help make the world a better place. That or just play online and wear your sunglasses while looking at the computer screen. You're a winner!
~Johnny "Chan" Money
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