How To: Drive

Unless you are me, you most likely don't know how to drive, well, at least correctly. There are some family and friends of mine that are good drivers, but a scarce few. You will encounter a few, and I mean A FEW good drivers on the road every now and then, but for the most part, danger awaits everyone on the asphalt.

Since there's really no "right" place to begin, I'll just pick one at random. The best example of how people are bad drivers is not heeding the "Highway Right of way." Be it a 2 lane highway, 5 lane highway or 59302398432908423098420397984573945 lane highway, the order goes like this. Read carefully folks, THIS IS KEY!

THE LANE FARTHEST TO THE LEFT IS THE LANE FOR THE FASTEST MOVING VEHICLES WHICH SHOULD BE USED ONLY FOR PASSING OTHER SLOWER MOVING VEHICLES. It doesn't matter if you are speeding at 400mph. if you are not the fastest person on the road, get out of the left lane. The order of speed obviously digresses as you go to the right lanes. Since you still don't get it, let me elaborate. If there is a 4 lane highway, and 4 cars are traveling at 50mph. 60mph. 70mph. and 80mph. they should be as follows. The one going 80mph. in the far left lane, 70mph. the next lane to the right, 60mph. to the right of that, and 50mph. all the way to the right. If someone "cuts you off" and you are in the lane farthest to the left and you get upset, you should be shot. You have no right being in that lane if people are passing you. Let me repeat. If you are driving in the left lane and someone cuts in front of you, you are wrong for driving in the left lane and instead of getting upset and flicking the person off, take your middle finger and gouge out your eye.

-Stopping for a yellow light. This is not only a horrible and stupid thing to do, it is also dangerous. Yellow does not mean stop, that's what the red light is for. Green means go and yellow means caution, as in if you're 3 miles away, then the light will be red when you get to it. Yellow DOES NOT mean slam on your breaks the second you see a yellow light. This will get you killed.

-Talking on a cellphone while driving. If you can do this safely than do it, but here's the thing, you probably can't. I have seen the worst displays of driving when people are talking on their cellphones and driving. I drive a 5-speed and can race someone while talking on a cellphone and eating...while reading, playing poker, and writing online for my site. You're not me though so until you learn all these rules, stay off your phone and off the road.

Reading while driving.

This is just ridiculous...

Are you kidding me?

-Flashing your lights after being "cut-off." Flashing your lights at someone does nothing but let people know you have no clue how to drive (especially if you do it after being cut off in the left lane). Your bright lights are to be used when there is no other light around and you can't see with your standard headlights. Doing this during the daytime or when someone drive in front of you just shows how bad of a driver you are. "Uhh, I don't know how to drive, maybe this button will help me. Nope, that's the bright lights. Well, looks like I'm still a moron!"

I could go on for days but it's imperative these few basics are first vigorously studied. Learn these and then we can move on. Apparently 99.9% of you don't even use common sense, so focus on these things and maybe you can help make the world a better place. If everyone keeps driving like they do, and I continually have to drive around you I'll have to take matters into my own hands which only leaves me 2 options. 1. Let out an oil slick or 2. Send a smokescreen in your face...

I RULE!

~John "Mr. Driver's Ed." Money

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