I'd rather have 50 cents than a

50 Cent CD

Remember when the radio played music?

I mean music...not some illiterate DJ screaming some nonsense about "blazing 18 jams in a row." Fourteen out of those 18 jams come from the same person: Fifty Cent. Eighteen out of those 18 jams come from the same place: the Land of Crappy Music.

Don't tell me this is only my opinion. Here's why:

I, like any intelligent and discerning young man, appreciate listening to music by people who can do things that I cannot. In fact, the ability to do things that the vast majority of human beings cannot should precede the term "artist."

For example: the singing of Marvin Gaye or Sting, the guitar playing of Eddie Van Halen or Santana, the lyric writing of Trent Reznor, or even the out-and-out performing of Michael Jackson. All talents that 99.9% of the populace can only dream about.

whiterice1991: "get wit the timez, 80s-boy, hip-hop is the voice of today wheter u like it or not! PATIENTLY WAITING FOR MANY MEN IN THE CLUB!!!2":

Oh, it's one of Fiddy's typical fans...a rich suburban spoiled white kid who "likes" whatever MTV says is "hot."

Let me tell you first off, I am a huge fan of real hip-hop. Again...artists who can do things that I cannot. I fully acknowledge I can not string words together to flow the way KRS-one, Talib Kweli, Manchild, Precise, or other legitimate MCs do in their freestyles.

What I can do is grab a microphone and go "yeah yeah step into the club." Or "I don't know what you heard about me." Or "Come on baby girl, just a little bit." All set to the same predictable, unmemorable, computerized beats that are often confused with the beats of the other popular "rappers" these days.

I went to an urban high school a few years back, where freestyle rapping was like breathing. Most parties featured a flow battle, and I always finished near the top...so I actually think I can "spit" better than said "rapper."

It's like my billionaire brother says: all you need to sign a rap contract these days is a story about getting shot.

His whole career has been manufactured. Back in 2002, DJs were hollering for weeks about his debut single, the forgettable...uh...um...well, I sincerely don't remember the name or beat of it. The one where he dropped the poignant yet clever lyric "I gots lots of livin' to do 'fore I die." All I remember is MTV/BET/HOT 93.7 constantly saying he was the new big thing, so I soon heard it blaring from CD players of kids like "whiterice1991" up there. Even recently, as his popularity declined, he invented a feud with an equally suckified rapper, The Shame, to get people talking again.

I actually heard a DJ say these words: "with all the drama going on in hip-hop today, it's refreshing to see Fifty and The Game put their beef behind them and make up." Are you kidding me?

Picture them backstage at one of their concerts in late 2004:

The Game: Dude, I think people are starting to realize we sound just like every other rapper out there.

Fifty Cent: Nah, yo, my song was "In the club" and that other cat's song was "In the club...GETTING TIPSY." Huge difference.

The Game: True, true. But still, even I have to admit I can't listen to your album without wanting to shoot myself 9 times.

Fifty Cent: Yo, these white kids will listen to whatever MTV tells them to listen to, no matter how repetitive I sound. I'm Fifty Cent, motha*****!

The Game: You right, you right. But still, you're not in the headlines like you used to be, and nobody has ever heard of me, even though I released like 7 mixtapes already. That reminds me, I'm writing a song where I call myself "rap's MVP."

Fifty Cent: What we need is a good old-fashioned beef.

The Game: Cool, cool. So we'll pretend to be mad at each other...

Fifty Cent: Son, I was talking about going to Wendy's. But that's a good idea too. We'll fake a feud, then make up publicly in time to release a song together. By the time we're done, I'll be the underdog on top, and since you ain't going nowhere, the public can get to know you.

The Game: Cha-ching! I'll have my boys shoot a few shots at your boys the next time we're up in your neck of the woods.

Fifty Cent: Sweet. Now let's go get us some Frostys.

Can you blame them? They're laughing all the way to the bank. I'm merely stating how terrible of a lyricist Curtis Jackson is...I give him all the credit in the world when it comes to inventing an image that makes suburban white kids think he's cool and henceforth, makes him rich.

But let's take a closer look. His claim to fame was being shot 9 times at once. That means he's saying that he had 9 bullets exit a gun at a high speed, enter various parts of his body, and cause no permanent damage.

This leads me to believe one of four things. The shooter...

Was blind
Was mentally challenged
Was himself - in a suicide attempt as poor as his rap ability
Was a true rap fan, at one of his concerts:

"Get off the stage!" BAM!

"You're terrible!" BAM! BAM!

He keeps rapping...BAM! BAM! "I gots lots a livin' to do 'fore I die..." "Wrong!" BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Seriously, 9 bullets in your body at one time...is that like one to the chest, and eight to the right foot? I haven't shot a gun at a real person since the Red Sox World Series victory party...but I've played enough "Duck Hunt" in my time that I'm pretty sure if I had 9 shots at close range, there would be one dead homey followed by 8 victory shots into the sky. Instead we get a rap career featuring hit after hit that are so pathetic, even the trusty hunting dog from the aforementioned video game can't laugh mockingly about it.

Now Fiddy goes around wearing a bulletproof vest. What kind of X-chromosome crap is that? If I get shot 9 times and live, I'm not wearing some pansy patty-cake-playing bulletproof vest. I'm wearing a T-shirt that says "I cannot be killed by a bullet. Take your best shot, wussies!"

whiterice1991: "Dude, he comz from da hood, he keepn it reel. He gonna get you once he readz this!!!2"

Ironically, of all the intelligent people who point out Fiddy's negative value to the music world via the Internet, I actually live close enough for a confrontation.

Let me explain both parts of this statement.

Fifty Cent has a negative value to the music world. To call him "worthless" is incorrect. If he simply rapped, he'd be worthless. Instead, he keeps churning out clones of himself such as Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, MIKE JOOOOONES, etc. It's like taking the worst painting in any cheap art gallery on earth. Artistic value: zero. Now MTV starts brainwashing kids into liking the painting. So they make a few Xerox copies that mimic the original, but progressively fade. That's Mike Jones. A faded copy of a crappy idea to begin with. While I'm on the subject, that's a pretty original name too, dude. One out of every 7 people you meet in America is named Mike Jones. And one out of every three people in America is a better rapper than the Mike Jones in g-unit. I'll stop talking about this now.

Fiddy's like a large planet, only instead of satellites getting caught in his gravitational pull, it's terrible rappers. I heard a g-unit song a few months back. It was about a stick shift. A stick shift. And it was in the top 5 countdown. Yes, I just said a song about a stick shift was voted one of the top 5 hits of that day. Apparently, actual people are doing the voting. I love this society.

...seriously, Mike Jones? Who's his wife, Sarah Smith? Holy cow. Call yourself "Wax Paper" or something. I digress.

I live very close to Mr. Jackson himself. I have seen his house in Farmington, CT - about 15 minutes from my apartment - and, incidentally, a town about 30 times more upper class and less "ghetto" than the one I grew up in. whiterice1991: "yah well he got out the hood and made it so drink ur hatorade somswr els;!"

Fine. He got out of the hood and made it. I'll give him that...on one condition. Stop rapping poser tough-guy lyrics like "watch your mouth or I'll break your face," and start rapping about "the ice cream social on the town green last month was off the heezy yo!"

Stickyfingers said it best in his tribute to Fifty Cent. "You just a fake clown...I got a new deal for a few mil, shoot to kill, you fruity like Dru Hill, you Spare Change. You ain't even half a man, cous', matter fact...you ain't even half the man your moms was!"

A little too mean-spirited and personally disrespectful for my taste, but funny nonetheless. I have no problem with the man himself, and give credit where credit is due as a promoter, celebrity, and businessman. Just stop telling me he can rap.

If Mister Cent reads this and disagrees, I don't want a fight or a shootout. Let's do it your way and have a nice civilized debate at the next Farmington Town Council meeting.

One last question: What do "37 Cent," "Lloyd Banks Junior," "Younger Buck," "Tony Ya YoKo Ono," "Llama Ears," and "Burp" have in common?

Answer: They all would be better rapper names than frigging "Mike Jones."

This has been my, um, two cents.

~Uncle Scrooge

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