The crazy guy at Wal-Mart

Let me preface this story by informing you that I have known many crazy people throughout my life. When YOU think of a friend you would tell someone is "crazy," what you usually mean is the person in question will step out of the norm/comfort zone and do things that aren't necessarily polite or politically correct. Usually the "crazy person" will get out of control, drink more than your peers, fight and/or sleep with anyone they see. A "crazy" friend of mine once called the police on himself when he was going to kill someone. Not like you're thinking "Oh, I'm going to kill that guy!" and do nothing about it, but my friend actually got a butcher knife and walked to a business he knew the guy was at and was literally going to stab him to death. Fortunately the cops showed up and arrested him right before he could actually commit murder. That's what crazy is to me. Granted, I love the guy (and if you're reading this you still owe me $100 for my trip out to Cali!) and a few of my close friends I can honestly say fit into that category (Is that healthy?), but this story involved a complete stranger that never would've killed me, let alone even fight me.

It was the Christmas time frenzy when all the stores are having their big sales and things are hectic. This is usually when people become the exact opposite of all that Christmas stands for. Unfortunately, this was one of those times.

As I pulled into the parking lot of Wal-Mart, I realized finding a parking space within 7 miles of the store was going to be quite a feat. Surprisingly enough, as I was on probably my 3rd round (Yeah, I'm one of those drive around for 1/2 hour just so I can save time parking the shortest walking distance to the entrance kinda guys) there was a car pulling out of a spot extremely close to the entrance. Bingo, front row! As I'm turning into this spot, (right turn) I see someone put on their signal and attempt to make a left turn into the same space.

Now, I could go on for hours about how in this situation, signals mean absolutely nothing. If I'm biting into the last piece of pizza in the store and you're "pointing" to it thinking you'll eat it before me, you got another thing coming.

So of course I continue on about my routine (mind you, I only needed to buy some batteries not purchase half the store to spoil my "disrespectful talk back to my parents and still get what I want" kids) and park. I open the door and step out - right into this guys face who is about an inch away from mine.

Deranged/Angered Middle Aged Man: Hey, that's my spot!
Me: (Just waiting for the guy to hit me so I won't be arrested for knocking him out) Oh, sorry.
Derranged Man: I was waiting for that spot!

I obviously ignore him, not wanting to throw down during Christmas in a Wal-Mart parking lot. His crying and pleas continue to fall on deaf ears as I begin walking towards the store.

Deranged Man: I'm gonna kick your ---!
Derranged Man's wife/Warthog companion from Car: Ya, kick that skinny kid's ---!

I looked over shocked to see a lady (if you'd call it that) in the car encouraging this maniac.

Me: (I chuckle) Yeah, do what your wife says.

For those that don't know me personally, in the past I've been one of the biggest instigators you could've known, with a mouth that can run circles around John Moschitta. This incident, however, despite the temptations for a verbal and physical altercation where I would clearly shame this guy in front of the "crowd," I decided to put my usual condescending manner aside.

I calmly walk away laughging to myself wondering how this guy could get so excited and emotional over a parking spot.

Deranged Man: Yeaaaah, well I hope you don't care about your car!

I look back to not only see this guy still near my car, but actually standing with one foot on my bumper and one on my trunk.

Take a moment and picture this.

I'm shocked thinking this whole situation is hilarious - and it just gets better. He proceeds to jump up and down with the most disturbing smile I have ever seen, looking as if this was in some strange way better than sex (if he had ever experienced it), noises and all. My car is bouncing and the more it's bouncing, the more he's getting into it and jumping up and down like a champ. I'm not sure who was enjoying this bizarre fiasco more, the guy or his wife...or me. I can't get mad, 1. Because this is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen and secondly...

Deranged: WOOO! WOOO! Yeah, and I hope you don't care about your car buddy!
Me: (the condescending laughter ensues) Well, actually I got it for free. That car is older than me! Have all the fun you want.

As I'm walking away laughing loud enough that I'm sure he heard me, I see security walking towards us to check out the ruckus.

I turn back to Deranged.

Me: Oh yeah, and security is on there way so have fun explaining...
Deranged: Once they're gone I'm gonna smash your car!
Warthog: Yeah, smash it up! Oink Oink! Roaaar! Feed Me!!
Me: (still laughing while walking into the store) Whatever you say. Have fun!

After leaving the store with my batteries, I couldn't have been happier. I was expecting to see my windows smashed or my car keyed and was prepared to have my car explode when I started it. Nothing. As I was driving away and thinking, I couldn't help but, yes, laugh. This guy wasted all that time creating this huge fiasco and in all that time he wasted, he could've easily found another spot further away. There were plenty of open spots.