The day my car exploded

After picking up the hoodlums I refer to as my friends, we headed out for night on the town. Beginning by casually partaking in some mind altering substances we began driving around looking for fun, trouble, women, and pretty much whatever the world would have for us. The first 20 minutes of this expedition were quite incessant with familiarity. I realized we had been placed in an old western flick with the background just repeating itself. "Hey kids, Big Ben, Parliament!" Then it hit us.

Derrick: Hey Blaze, you know where we are?
Me: Of course I do, we're...

I look around confused. I realize that there no more buildings or people on the streets. Then I realize there are no more streets. Laughter ensues.

Steve: Uhhh, Blaze, where the ---- are we going?

More laughter.

Since we'd only been driving for a few minutes we couldn't have gotten that far, until I looked down at the clock and realized we had driven for almost an hour. BANG! My car is airborne. After my tires violently returned to earth, we realized we had driven so far that this was a dirt road and we were quite possibly in the middle of a field.

Of course more laughter ensued and we were having a blast...until we got out and assessed the damage. I check under my car and notice my muffler has just been broken and the whole component is hanging literally by what looked like rubbery dental floss. This brought the good times to a screeching halt. Now I have to drive out of Camp Crystal with a broken muffler and a bunch of giddy clowns cackling in my ear. Our trek back begins.

BLINK, Ding. BLINK, Ding. BLINK, Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

As if the night already wasn't getting progressively worse, my gas light pops on. I see a light in the far distance and keep my fingers crossed that there were enough fumes in my car to get us to a gas station. I just keep driving towards the brightness hoping the light represents civilization and not the end of my life.

It felt so good to be driving on asphalt again and seeing more than just the moon when I looked around. No later than a minute of driving on solid ground and I notice something odd. I see a flashing in my rear-view mirror and hope first and foremost it's not a cop, and second and almost equally unnerving, that I'm not hallucinating.

Steve: Yo, I think someone's flashing their lights at you.
Derrick: Ya, pull over so we can ---- em' up!
Steve: Don't do it man, they're looking for trouble.
Derrick: Trouble's what WE'RE looking for, do it!
Me: Hey, you 2 lovers keep it down.

Being the calm one, at least among my I'll fight anyone anytime! friends, I decide to pull over and see what's up.

I get out and before angrily throwing up my hands in the "What's up punk, come get some" manner, I see a middle aged women that is short enough to be a midget walking towards me. She then pulls out a gun and shoots me in the leg. Kidding. Midgee lady says something along the lines of, "I was trying to get your attention for the last few miles! I've been so worried! Your muffler has been dragging on the road and shooting sparks all over the place!" I respond of course by thanking her and she goes about her way, before turning around and shooting me in the leg. No, not then either.

I smell the aroma of fresh sparkage enough to make me a bit nervous but more thankful that I'm not dead. Luckily I somehow have a hanger in my car and thanks to all those years of watching Macgyver, I jimmy the thing enough to hold my muffler in place. Now we're safe and all ready to get home seeing how it's been about 7 hours (or so it seems) since the night began. We drive off. No more than 3 minutes later, the events that occurred...

Steve: Yo Blaze, I think you're car's on fire!
Derrick: Haha, whatever you say you (insert derogatory comments here)!
Me: Hey, I'm doing the driving so have fun screwing yourself while I work on gettin' the Mayflower to some safeland.
Derrick: Oh ---- Blaze! I think your car really is on fire!
Steve: See!
Derrick: Shut up and pull this ------ thing over before we die!

Alright, let me humor them by looking in my mirror and go along with it to scare the crap out of them.

Me: Oh my goodness you're right! My car is about to go up in flames...so it would be just like you, you flamers...

But as I continue to look in my rearview and side view mirrors, my heart skips a beat. I can't believe my eyes. All I see is orange flames coming from under my car!

Tires: Screeeeeeeech!!!

I jerk the car over and all three of us bail out of that car faster than life-sentenced convicts making a jail break. We put Hollywood's stunt men to shame as we all run top speed, jump as far as we can and fly in slow motion. We hit the deck and cover our heads prepared for the explosion of a lifetime.

I'm not sure the exact timeframe, but it was a good 30 seconds that we all lied there on the grass of some random building that we found refuge in.

I was the first one to very cautiously get up, peering around to first see one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Two of my friends face down, fearing for their lives, covering their heads and subtly shaking. I chuckle for a quick second to myself, but then I come back to reality and realize my car will blow at any second.

I curiously approach my ride looking for the dangerous fire that caused us to flee for dear life. As I get closer I look all around and to my dismay/relief, I can't see a single ember, let alone a massive explosion causing holocaust. All I hear is my car's engine running, just purring like a kitten. Granted, it's on the side of the road but aside from the doors still being open, nothing's too strange. Of course my blinker's still on from pulling over but nothing's really out of the ordinary. The blinker is on?

Wait, I didn't take the time to turn on a signal when I thought I was going to be blasted to the moon! The last time I turned it on was when I pulled over to fix the muffler. After that is when we saw the flashing light we thought was fire coming from the back of my car. Then even in my mind state, I put 2 and 2 together. I then recall the moments earlier where I looked and saw an orange light flashing, and realize yup, it was nothing but my rear signal blinker, flashing. Yeah, my blinker. That little orange light had not only been bright enough to look like a fire, but was able to convince 3 guys (well, of course we were a bit disoriented, but come on) that a vehicle was about to explode. This spelled relief better than R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

As we're all laughing at ourselves completely alleviated and just happy that the night is finally over, up pulls who else, but a benevolent officer of the law. Sweet. I'd thought about going to prison before but now I'm really making plans of how I can join a tough gang before this officer carts me off so I have some 'back' when I'm doing my time.

A couple of teenagers completely out of it laughing outside a car on the side of a busy street. You can guess how quickly the laughter ceased. Now it's survival "Don't go to jail/get car impounded/get killed" mode. I glance in my car to make sure it's safe. If my definition of safe is drugs and paraphernalia sprawled all over the seats of my car, then I'm off the hook.

I'm now contemplating how I'm going to get out of this one. "Uh, the car came like that officer." "Son, your registration shows you've owned this vehicle for 9 months." "Well...um, I've never cleaned the car, yeah, that's it." "This receipt from the Auto Wash shows that you vacuumed the back seat personally just last week, and attached is a picture of you doing it." "D'OH!" "You're coming downtown tough guy. Hope you got some 'back' in there."

I was now planning my escape and making calculations of how far I would have to run and where I would live so I would never be found. Tijuana was my first option, but I had to think locally since I would have to leave my car to sprint off. The officer then walks up interrupting my fugitive plans. I start thinking quickly. First off is making sure to meet him before he can converse with my not-so-calm-under-pressure buddies.

Now, I can't say I remember the dialogue verbatim, however, I do remember crystal clear that my articulation would've put any politician to shame and I had the charm that would easily consume the world's most suave ladies man with envy. The officer interrogates me for a good 5 minutes (I remember question after question after question, and when the conversation turned to academics and how I was 'good for staying in school' and all that jargon, I kid you not, I told him in detail about some project I was doing in wood shop) I was able to deter him from the present situation enough, that he left without...

1. Asking my nervously near convulsing friends any questions
2. Requesting me to show him license, insurance, registration, etc.
3. Looking at or in the vehicle in which I clearly explained to him was uncontrollably sparking moments earlier
4. Questioning why I smelled or looked the way I did (sleepy/red eyes, etc.)
5. Referencing my parents in any way (ie: having me or him contact them about my vehicles concern/my safety in getting home)

Amazing.

Not much was said on the ride home (with the exception of "did that crazy ---- really just happen?"), so it's a given that after dropping off my chums, all I wanted to do was get home. Yeah, I thought the night and story was over too. Granted, the climax had already occurred and though it couldn't get more nerve-racking then the previous happenings, I'm still perturbed over the final events of the evening.

I don't know when it began, but when I was less than 10 minutes from my house, I noticed that a car was following me. I took a few side streets and back roads as I got closer to my place to verify this person was following me and when their pursuit continued, it solidified they were staying with me till the end.

By characteristics, it was not one of my stalkers but I was curious as to who it was. I finally get home and pull up to my house and the car pulls up next to me. What possessed me to do what I did next still baffles me.

I throw my seat back and immediately lay down so whoever it is can't see me. I guess I was trying to pretend that I wasn't there...as if they hadn't just followed me for the last 10 minutes. I hear a girl's voice and stay down, for safety of course. I finally creep up and roll down my window to see a very attractive chick which automatically makes me happy. She's laughing hysterically at my antics and starts talking to me.

Now, I didn't at the time and I still have no clue who it was, but the sad thing is it was obviously someone I knew. It could've been a girl I was dating, a chick I went to school with, a girl partied with, one of my brother's honey's, a neighbor, someone I had recently met, or Oprah. I honestly have no idea. We talked for a good 5 minutes and I distinctly remember talking to her and she kept on laughing at whatever I was saying, but even at the time I had no clue what I was saying or what was being said to me. If you're reading this, realize it was you and you remember that night, please let me know. To this day, I still don't have the slightest inkling of the conversation that concluded the crazy event-filled night, or more importantly, who that girl was that followed me all the way home and was entertained by my charades. For all I know, it could've been the lady who wanted to shoot me in the leg.

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